The Ramblings of Ms.NiS

Operation Moving Out COMPLETE ...

2005-10-24T13:13:00.000+08:00

Will be my last entry here ...

To you who have not received my new details and still wish to read me ..

Leave me your email address as well as blog url in the comment box.

I won't give out my new url anyhow now. He might be impersonating somebody.

Sorry for the lecehness but all these are NECESSARY steps .. Hehe..

See you guys there !!!!!!

Moved ...

2005-10-22T18:19:00.000+08:00

I've Moved ...

Will let you those worthy know of my new url by Monday evening...

A Move That I Gotta Make

2005-10-18T14:59:00.000+08:00

I fear that a psycho is on the loose ...

And that he is hunting for me ...

This sms from him "You might as well could have killed me. Guess who I'm taking along? YOU! U want me so much? See you in hell. I WILL spill the beans. Why should I die alone?"

I am awaiting what he might do.

He threatened he will let the truth be out to both families. He threatened to create a blog about me.

I still keep those msgs.. Just in case ...

I am going to move again. This time, I will notify you the worthy of my address, complete with password.

I'm worried.

At the same time, I'm very heartbroken.

The Truth Is Out ...

2005-10-18T09:57:00.000+08:00

Maybe this is God's will ... Mungkin Allah yang gerakkan hati aku untuk berbuat demikian ...

The truth is out. The cat is out of the bag. I spilled the beans on him to his girlfriend. I didn't mean to but when I realised it, I already sent the message to her. The hours after that were a frenzy. Both me and her talked for five hours about him and we both found out things that were hurting...

Before that, came the phonecall from him. The blaming. The accusation of me destroying what he had about her. About me and him, he then pointed out that it was all because I wanted the attention, he just obliged.

He had been lying to me all along. Even about the most nitty gritty details.

Worse now. He is threatening me. Since I destroyed him and her, he will make sure I go to hell with him. He will spill the beans on me too.

I am very hurt now. I feel used. & I am afraid of what he might do. Cos I know him well. When he said he will do, means he will.

Why do I feel guilty now? I don't think that what I did was a wrong thing. Ni semua takdir Tuhan. All along the lengthy conversation with her, there were messages from him to her. Nice ones. But to me ... threatening ones, condescending ones ...

She is confused. I don't bloody care about her.

I feel like I just want to disappear. The knowledge of what had transpired between the both of them and what he had lied to me just kept replaying and replaying.

Please. Somebody. Help me before I truly break down.

...

2005-10-17T12:57:00.000+08:00

Total count: Almost 36 hours of not contacting him ...

While 36 hours might seem peanuts to some, it took a whole lot of effort and restraint on my part. My heart kept persuading me .. "just one sms .. just one sms" but I know that even one sms will hurt me...

To occupy my mind, I decided I had to leave the house. Since I'm off fasting *heh* I decided to go to the library and kill my hours away. Purposely left the mobile at home even.

The heavy downpour which started till morning had kept me at home for many hours but at 5, I realised that if I had continued to wait, it will get worse for me, thus I just braved it.

The hours at the library was comforting. With a Danielle Steel novel in my hands, I didn't even realise that 3 hours plus has passed. I completed a novel and went to look for four books to bring home.

I was clearly having withdrawal symptoms and like how a desperate drug addict would rush for his stack of powder, I rushed to my mobile phone when I reached home. 2 missed calls. My heart skipped a bit. One from my nieces and another ... from him.

I was so darn tempted to call back or to sms but I need him to know and realise that he can't just settle things with me with a sorry this time ... Thus, I bit my tongue and lip and put the mobile down on my bed.

After plenty of glancing and checking my mobile phone, four hours later, there came an sms... from him ... I had to hold back whatever I can hold and not contact him...

In my heart, if he really is sincere, he should be making the effort. Just one phonecall and a general sms won't be enough to show me anything.

I am really on the verge of a nervous breakdown, a total shutdown. Yes... a bout of depression.

I want him to go away... but at the same time, I want him to be with me ...

He Has A Way ..

2005-10-14T13:35:00.000+08:00

He has a way with me ...

His sorries are said ...

My dear heart started to soften down again ....

Had to use the last bit of energy I have to refrain ...

For ... It is kinda too late ...

A sorry for what you said to me yesterday but the core of it, you WILL still do it ...

Thus, what's the sorry for?

My Dear Heart ...

2005-10-14T08:27:00.000+08:00

My Dear Heart ...

How much more can you ache before you finally say that it's enough? You have ached so much that I feel so sorry for you. At times, I could even hear you breaking into million of pieces, shattering so loudly that even the eyes offered to share the pain by shedding tears to soothe the pain.

Why are you so generous with the forgiveness? When are you going to harden up and stop allowing yourself to feel more and more hurt each day by what he did and said?

Each time I made up my mind to stop and say goodbye, somehow you will always manage to coax me into doing the entire opposite. But can't you see, it just ends up with you bleeding all over again? But why do you still do it?

I am really sorry, my dear heart. I caused you to feel this emotional torture since years back. There was never a time when you are truly free from this pain.

Please, my dear heart, I decided to let go yesterday. Please, do not make me go back. For I am extremely guilty for doing this to you. Please, for once, just go with what the mind has been bugging you to do. It might prove to be the best.

I am not saying that now onwards you will be spared from the ache and crying. Infact, the ache and pain will just get worse. I have to make the total body ache and cry together with you. & I don't know till how long more you have to ache but at least, it's aching for letting go, not for staying on with him.

Please, my dear heart ... Forgive me ...

First Trip to the Last Geylang Bazaar Ramadhan

2005-10-11T13:17:00.000+08:00

What a night ...

Had a sweating time at Geylang Serai yesterday night with Mon Mon. We've been good friends for 6 years but yesterday was our virgin trip to Geylang together. Previously, there just wasn't time.

Anyway .. we headed straight to Haig Road's S11 to break fast and coincidentally only then we knew that we were both gonna gun for the uber delicious Black Pepper Chicken Chop.

S11 Black Pepper Chicken Chop

That was the start of almost food feast. As every year, the must have foods in Ramadhan are dengdeng and keropok lekor. But then again, I think keropok lekor are available outside Ramadhan rite? The only missing is the burger ramly.

We walked from one end of Geylang to the other end and soaked in the atmosphere. Quite a capacity for a Monday night.. Thus I shudder at the thought of the crowd during the weekends. Since this year will be the last Geylang will be having the bazaar, I insisted that I should take pictures of the lampu lampu. Also.. beli camera baru yang canggih pon buat apa kan kalao tak pakai!

I ain't no good a photographer thus, don't slam me for the bad quality of the pics ..

Here they are ...

Anda anda sekalian, anda disyorkan supaya jangan menggunakan mekap yang tebal dimuka anda kerana, it will just be "washed" away by the tonnes of sweat. First hand experience.

Tapikan, I wonder how the minahs minahs can walk around there with the super thick makeup on their faces and still appear cool without a single drop of sweat on their faces... Pasal pakaian, haiz.. I think everybody knows how these minah minah dresses.. Gasak diaorang lah..

Thank you mon mon for cheering me up with the flowers. I will miss yakking with you on msn leh.

Excuse me ...

2005-10-10T12:34:00.000+08:00

Excuse me while I rant and rave ...

I do not wish to lie anymore.

Hiding behind this facade just so that people will think that I am ok.

I am NOT ok. Not even the slightest bit.

Last Friday was the worst day for me. As much as I had wanted to see it for myself, I didn't expect that the consequence will be this bad and disasterous for me.

I saw him. With her. He saw me too. My heart broke into a million pieces. I did the most rational thing, I walked off even though I came to that place first before them.

Since then, the images kept replaying and replaying in my head. I kept hearing those words that he said before this. My head pounded till I feel like it's going to burst at any time.

Physical pain you can treat it with medicine. Emotional pain ... it just gets worse, nothing can make it go away ...

I need an antidote for my battered heart.

And I need lots and lots of hugs.

P/s: Don't wanna be rude but I seriously don't want to hear another "It will be ok..." "Time will heal..." "Be strong..."

My Workstation

2005-10-08T20:32:00.000+08:00

As I'm blogging this, I am still at work, finally clearing the huge amount of work that I have.

Thus, for fun and since I am alone in the office, I decided to take pictures of my workstation.

Presenting, the place where I sit and work my butt off for 9 hours plus plus for five days a week, at times on a Saturday too ...

This is what you see when you walk towards my desk.

Right @ the back of the company.

View of my desk if you stand in front of it.

View of my desk if you stand next to my desk.

The pictures I have and the my stationeries.

I love the koala bear pencil holder. From Perth!

The pictures I have ....

My PC with my favourite men as my wallpaper.

A cushion radio which is a REAL radio by the way.

A poster of John Cena.

The green pieces of paper are my daily data entry. Eeee...

View of my desk if I turn to my right.

The John Cena poster as an inspiration or for me to rest my eyes. Heee...

The radio that I must listen to everyday.

The data entry.

My stationery shelf.

N my inbox.

There you go. Pretty boring desk lah. But neat and organized as how I want it to be. Very the homely.. It's my second home ok...

Selamat berpuasa!

A year finally

2005-10-06T13:59:00.000+08:00

How fast time flies.

Today marks my ONE year with this company.

May there be many many more years to go OR ....

another job with a bigger pay comes along my way. Heh.

Another happy news. Muslim staff are allowed to go back an hour earlier (at 5pm) if we choose to work through during the lunch hour.

YiPPpiE! Alhamdullilah!

20 People Meme

2005-10-05T13:49:00.000+08:00

Got this from Thot's blog. Pinjam eh. :-)

NAME 20 PEOPLE YOU CAN THINK OF RIGHT OFF YOUR HEAD

1. Him, the ex-fiance.
2. Mon Mon.
3. Nadhirah
4. Syuhadah
5. Hazira
6. My sis
7. Mak
8. Abah
9. Zuhrin
10. Yana
11. Zul
12. Bitch
13. Din
14. PY
15. Kak Siti
16. Vivian
17. Khairudin Saharom
18. John Cena
19. Johnny Depp
20. Siti Nurhaliza

How did you meet 13?
Ans: Din. At Macdonalds at Clementi Central way back in ITE days during out lepaking sessions.

What would you do if you never met 5?
Ans: Nadhirah. I will be one cute niece lesser.

What do you honestly think of 10?
Ans: Yana. A very kurus and gorgeous lady. But I pity her cos of her fiance’s infidelity that she is unaware of for many many years already.

Have you ever liked no. 3?
Ans: Nadhirah. Like? I LOVE this youngest niece of mine to bits.

If 1 died tomorrow, what is one thing that you would like to do?
Ans: Him, the ex-fiance. Yikes! I would let him know today that I still love him a whole lot.

Would 2 and 11 make a good couple?
Ans: OH MY GOSH! NO! She will suffer at his hands like how I did!

Do you think 12 is hot?
Ans: Bitch. A definite NO. Enough said.

Would 1 and 17 make a lovely couple?
Ans: Him, the ex-fiance and Khairudin Saharom. HAHAHA!!! Boleh lah. These two men that I love would make a HANDSOME gay couple!

Tell me something about 11
Ans: Zul. A mistake right from the start. Super hard to be with. Thus, I angkat kaki & jalan.

Do you know any of 3's family members?
Ans: Nadhirah. Err. Yes. They are MY family too.

On a scale of 1-10 how cute is 14?
Ans: PY. I give her an 8. She is a very cute mother of three. Always have a smile on her face. Has an addictive laughter too.

What would you do if 4 just professed their undying love for you?
Ans: Syuhadah. I would pelok and cium dier till she begs for mercy. Heh.

What language does 19 speak?
Ans: Johnny Depp. English only I think. But since the wife is French, he might speak French too.

Who is 8 going out with?
Ans: Abah. Duh. My lovely mummy.

Would 18 and 5 make a good couple?
Ans: John Cena and my 2nd niece Hazira. No. Cos she will get an extremely jealous aunt because of that. Hehe.

When was the last time you talked to 6?

Ans: My sis. Yesterday on the phone.

What is 7's favorite band?
Ans: Mak. Some Pop Yeh Yeh band I think.

Would you ever date 11?
Ans: Zul. Dated and WON”T anymore.

Would you ever date 9?
Ans: Zuhrin. NO. Womaniser.

Is 15 single?
Ans: Kak Siti. I don’t think so. She is already a grandmother of one.

What is 16's last name?
Ans: Vivian. Her surname is Phu. Thus, we call her Winnie-The-Pooh. Get it? Hehe.

Would you make out with 2?
Ans: Mon Mon?? ASTAGH! Lesbianism on the loose! Cannot! I love men!

Is 20 older than you?
Ans: Siti Nurhaliza. Yes. By 2 years.

Are 5 and 6 best friends?
Ans: Hazira & my sis. They are family!

Meme 1

2005-10-04T13:29:00.000+08:00

Got this from a friend's blog. Read on..

1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at?
Ans: My eyes. To be more specific, the dark rings under my eyes. Bleargh!

2. How much cash do you have on you?
Ans: Had $7 bucks but blew it on Burger King. Now left with $1.50 worth of coins.

3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"?
Ans: Breast. Heh.

4. Favorite plant?
Ans: Pink roses. Orchids come a very close second.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Ans: Only 2 missed calls. From daddy dearest.

6. What is your main ring tone on your cell phone?
Ans: John Cena's My Time Is Now. Kata peminat kan!

7. What shirt are you wearing?
Ans: A bright orange leher kura kura(turtleneck) blouse.

8. What do you "label" yourself?
Ans: Hopeless.

9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing?
Ans: TKC. No.. Not Tanjong Katong Complex. I bought these sandals at KL.

1o. Bright or Dark Room?
Ans: Duh. Definitely BRIGHT.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
Ans: A good friend that I have not met for a long long time. Known her since primary 4.

12. Ever "spilled the beans"?
Ans: Yes. Guilty enough.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Ans: Exchanging heated smses with a FOOL.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?
Ans: "Good afternoon. Dah lunch?" from a guy. Heh.

15. Do you ever click on "Pop Ups" or Banners?
Ans: Depends on the attractiveness of the pop ups. Most of the time, NO. In fact, I'm using a browser that blocks pop ups.

16. What's a saying that you say a lot?
Ans: Wah Lau!

17. Who told you they loved you last?
Ans: Him, my ex-fiance. *Sobs*

19. How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past Three Days?
Ans: Does the sugar in Pepsi count? Heh. Cos I'm addicted to Pepsi thus it must be a drug rite?

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
Ans: None. Moi just got a digicam mah! Heh.

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
Ans: Should be the 17s to the 19s. How I wish I can go back there! Haha.

22. Your worst enemy?
Ans: My soft-heart.

23. What is your current desktop picture?
Ans: My blog image of my favourite men. Inspiration to work you know!

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
Ans: Ha? *I didn't quite hear what she was saying to me*

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a major regret?
Ans: Oh man! I can't have half half of both? This is tough.

26. Do you love/ like someone?
Ans: Yes. Truly.

I think Meme's are fun. No need to wait for people to tag me lah eh. Heh.

Movie Weekend

2005-10-03T12:35:00.000+08:00

The weekend was swell.

Watched 2 movies on Friday and yesterday.

Dukes of Hazzard is a stupidously lame and funny movie. The jokes were corny but still enjoyable. Jessica Simpson only appeared like for a total of 15 mins out of the whole movie but ooh man!, did she flaunt her body to the max. Aiyah. Her presence there is only to use her sexuality lah.

Corpse Bride is the shortest movie that I ever caught. I think it ran for slightly more than an hour. Honestly, I caught the movie purely for Johnny Depp, even though it's just his voice that I can hear and a horrifying stockmotion figure of him. Heh. Quite a funny movie but predictable. Can consider that I wasted my 9bucks lah. Not worth to watch at the theatre, people. Just wait for the dvd to come out lah ok!

Monday is here yet again. Tup tup dah nak puasa. I have yet to pay back the puasa that I owe! Shucks!

Dreaded 7..

2005-09-30T12:56:00.000+08:00

I like to do lists like the one below. Because It makes me go deep within myself and at times, I will uncover interesting less-known facts about myself. It's almost like soul-searching. Hehe.

Nobody tagged me lah. But I don't want to wait so long until somebody finally tag me to do it leh. Heh. Me not popular blogger leh.

7 Things that scare me
1. Ghosts. Any kind.
2. Cats, dogs.
3. Insects.
4. Death.
5. My lovehandles. Heh.
6. Boredom.
7. Ghosts. Any kind.

7 Things i like most
1. TV.
2. Music.
3. Love.
4. Gorgeous men.
5. Knowledge of not working on Saturday.
6. Smell of freshly cut grass.
7. Smiles.

7 Most important things in my room
1. Computer cum tv cum radio cum dvd/vcd player (All in one)
2. Various chargers (Handphone, mp3 player, camera)
3. My four pillows
4. Mirror
5. Pyjamas
6. Tonnes of magazines.
7. Privacy, privacy, privacy.

7 Random facts about me
1. Huge inferiority complex.
2. Late bloomer (Know about grooming only when I start working)
3. Particular about the shape of my tudung. Must be perfect oval. Heh.
4. Have been drinking pepsi since I'm 2. Daily. I dont drink plain water. Pepsi is MY plain water.
5. I can't stand spelling errors. Heh.
6. High level of tolerance and patience. Waited for somebody for more than 5 hours.
7. Very generous with laughter and kisses.

7 Things i plan to do before i die
1. Love and be loved in return.
2. Give a grandson to my parents.
3. Live an eventful life, full of precious memories, good and bad.
4. Forgive those who have erred me.
5. Bungee jump.
6. Earn at least $2K.
7. Meet my favourite men. At least ONE!

7 Things i can do
1. Sleep.
2. Eat.
3. Sing.
4. Dance.
5. Be extra romantic and sappy.
6. Watch wrestling or CSI for hours non stop. Watched entire season of CSI for three days straight!
7. Take thrill rides.

7 Things i can't do
1. Cook. I will learn before I get married, promise! Heh.
2. Sit quietly when a cat is next to me.
3. Stay in a room after I've seen a cockroach pass by.
4. Be with someone that I don't love.
5. Sing nicely. Hehe.
6. Control the urge to ogle at cute men!
7. Go back to my original weight of 49kg. I wish!

7 Words i say the most
1. Oh dear.
2. Wah Lau!
3. Shitoes!
4. Fuck! *Pardon me*
5. Huh?
6. Serious?
7. Wei wei wei!!

7 Celeb crushes (I LIKE this question the best, heh)
1. John Cena
2. Johnny Depp
3. Rosyam Nor.
4. Richard Gere. I think he is still UBER sexy!
5. Chester Bennington.
6. George Eads aka Nick Stokes of CSI.
7. Khairudin Saharom, Chad Michael Murray & other cute males around! Ok.. I cheated. Cannot leh. Why only can list 7?? Hehe.

7 Peeps i'll love to see doing this
I don't have 7 people leh. I think most of them have been tagged already. Thus, I shall ask Mon Mon to do this. Mon Mon, please update your blog please!

2005-09-29T13:57:00.000+08:00

Noticed anything different? Same template still. But new image. Heh.

Now, its of me and my favourite men. Hehe..

& .. macam mana Khairudin Saharom boleh terselit plak kat situ eh?

Hiyak Hiyak...

3 Random Facts

2005-09-26T13:23:00.000+08:00

I've been tagged by Linda a few weeks ago and only now I'm doing it.. Heh. Apologies.

Ok.. Three random facts about moi..

1) The tv in my room must be switched on when I sleep. This is due to two reasons mainly. Firstly, I am afraid of the dark. I absolutely can't sleep when I'm in total darkness. Secondly, having a TV on will make me feel that I am accompanied by "people", thus gives me the feeling that I am not alone which also makes me feel that there aren't any ghosts around.. Chek ni penakot hantu noh!

2) I will not go into a shop if there aren't many customers in the shop. Because I don't like sales assistants following me around. If there's many people in the shop, I feel free to roam about and touch anything I like without the persistent shopkeeper keeping an eye on me..

3) I don't like to go to a public toilet when itspacked, especially when there's a long queue to go to the cubicles. Because I HATE it when these people look at me when I'm touching on my makeup in front of the mirror. It's rude I think to look so intently when somebody is putting on her powder or lipstick. It gives me the goosebumps. Usually, I will stare back until the person look away..

There you go.. Darn. Now I have to tag five people? Shitoes. I don't think anybody else is available still.. Thus, nvm lah. Hehe.

Temporary Skin / Permanent?

2005-09-23T14:18:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling sappy thus I shall make my environment sappy too.

Therefore, this gloomy skin. It kinda suits the situation that I am in now.

Let me just bask in these emotions for the time being.

Need to purge everything first before I finally let them go...

I promise to be back but I shan't say when cos I myself don't know how long I will take.

I've been tagged to list the 3 random facts about myself... Will do it soon...

Manalah prince charming in the shining armour aku ni.. Tak timbul timbul pon...

Moving On...

2005-09-21T21:31:00.000+08:00

Closing the final chapter of the story of "NiS & Andre".

It was heartwrenching to say goodbye. Or somewhat along that line...

Will he disappear totally after what I told him? I do not know...

My heart is crying out loud in pain for fear that he will be gone again. But at the same time, I have to do it. I waited for so long for him to come back but why another goodbye? Can I let go? I don't want to. For now I can't. But for him and for my own good, it's for the better.

When a door is closed, another door opens...

Here I am, opening a new chapter with this new him. Slowly but hopefully steadily.

Allah, semoga jalan yang telah kau tunjukkan ini adalah yang terbaik buatku....

Is It A Crime?

2005-09-19T13:43:00.000+08:00

Is it a sin to love? If not, why does when love fails, it punishes us with so painful a heartache?

I love thee dearly. But to love someone w/o being able to feel him reciprocating the same feelings, is heartbreaking.

Love that we can not have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest.

Thank you for all your warm hugs. I appreciate it.

But seriously, I do not need another "Time will heal all wounds"... Or another "Be strong"...

For, I am not strong now.

Emo entries may be published. Those who think I'm super sappy, you are free to NOT read them.

Ponder On This

2005-09-19T10:19:00.000+08:00

Good Monday Morning!

Dont' know what to write today thus I shall leave you with this question..

"When two people truly love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you decide that enough is enough?"

Think about it and give me the answer will you, lovelies?

2005-09-16T14:11:00.000+08:00

When you love someone
And you love them with your heart
It never disappears
When you're apart.

And when you love someone
And you've done all you can do
You set them free
And if that love was true....
When you love someone
It will all come back to you

The End Of You & Me.

2005-09-14T13:08:00.000+08:00

To: You, B
Level Of Importance: Super High
Subject: The End Of You & Me.

I didn't expect that we would be in contact again. This past month has been such an emotional rollercoaster as I was happy that you are somewhat back but at the same time it all felt so darn wrong.

You were troubled concerning life. I was there for you. Listened to you when you wanted to talk. Provided you my two cents worth whenever you needed them. Sincerely gave you the help that I think you needed. At the same time, you gave me what I needed. At least I thought you gave.

However, you are selfish. You said you aren't able to let me go. But at the same time you won't let everybody else go. That I don't condone at all.

I allowed myself to fall in love with you all over again and I can't regret that action because I chose to do it.

But, waiting is such a painful thing, B. I was there but you aren't there for me. I'm seriously experiencing withdrawal symptoms as of now cos you are like a drug that I must take every single day.

I'm shattered. I'm disappointed. I've done enough B. It's entirely up to you to do whatever you want to your life. Terjatuh tergolek, it's all your own doing now.

One day, you will see the entire worth of me but by then, it might be all too late....

Please, since you can't make a fucking decision, I'll make the decision for you. Since you can't show me that you love me as how you said you still do, let me do the most logical thing.

Be happy with whoever that you want to be with now. Too plentiful on your hands? Good rite? But too bad, the one that will really stick with you is now....

GONE..

Yours faithfully

~Your Bi~

Not A Happy Ending

2005-09-13T13:47:00.000+08:00

Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending

Oh Oh, Oh Oh
So much for my happy endingoh
oh, oh oh
So much for my happy ending
Oh Oh,Oh Oh, Oh

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?

Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

**
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

Chorus
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

Oh Oh, Oh Oh
So much for my happy ending
Oh Oh,Oh Oh, Oh huh

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do, (All the shit that you do)

** & Chorus

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

He was everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've decided. You - Please do me a favour and leave. Cos I give up on you.

Post Karaoke

2005-09-13T13:18:00.000+08:00

Were caught in the freaking downpour while making our way to Cineleisure. With a cute umbrella covering our heads, it actually doesn't shield us from the rain which came from right left up down centre! Thus, it resulted in our bottoms getting super super drenched and squishy squashy.

Going into K-Box with drenched clothes is a more disasterous as that place was freakingly cold! However, we managed to warm up to each other (Heh) and bawled our hearts out till 10pm. Mon Mon has a super nice voice thus when she sings, the songs sounded like songs but when it was my turn to sing, gosh. The songs practically went dead! Heh.

Got teary eyed when I decided to sing Erra Fazira's Pasrah. Ey. I'm not a minah minah jiwang ok. But I just wanted to sing something not so high pitch. Just a few phrases early into the song, I got teary eyed already. Somehow, I just managed to reach the chorus pitch without my voice breaking. Mon Mon had to hold my hand to calm me down a lil bit.

After that song, I decided to sing not one but a couple of jiwang songs! Hahhaa. Some of them are Spring's Sampai Hati, New Boyz's Meraung, Fauziah Latiff's Dia, Ruth Sahanaya's Kaulah Segalanya and a few others. Gosh! Apasal boleh jadi feeling pulak ni!

Hahaha.. But we both ended the night with a couple of feel good songs that kept our spirits up. And Mon Mon, you boogy-ing to Shakira's Whenever Wherever was uplifting! Hehehehe..

I stress again, I can't sing for shit but since it's just me and Mon Mon, suara macam katak pon katak lah!

Going karaoke'ng!

2005-09-12T18:09:00.000+08:00

Inilah orang kata "takde keje cari keje"!

I practically had little or no work to do today thus, what did I do to occupy the hours at work today? I took the entire stack of reports not done on my colleague's table *she's on 1 day leave today* and generated the reports for her. Baik kan aku? Besok dier datang, mesti terperanjat berok atau katak. Why lah am I being so nice. Time aku on leave or mc, colleagues aku yang lain tak pon buatkan report aku.

But it's ok.. I'm going to have a reward for my hardworking-ness later. Heh. Not literally. Going karaoke with Mon Mon at KBox. Karaoke? More to bawling my suara katak out. Haha.

I'm supposed to meet her at Cineleisure at 6.20. Oh darn. It's 6.15 and I'm still in the office typing this blog entry! Yikes!

Thank Goodness Monday is OVER!

Apa Nak Jadi!

2005-09-09T17:29:00.000+08:00

How's this for a headline?

"Woman's head found in a bag behind Orchard MRT station"

Tak nak kalah. Nak Orchard Road. Heh. I wonder if it's like the bone collector film. Where the perpetrator is always somewhere nearby, pressurizing the police to solve the crime before he catches the next victim.

For the full story *it's rather a short story today* click here.

Darn. I'm going town later. My colleagues are already saying, I might find the other body parts. Cilakak tol!

Happy weekend!

Loneliness

2005-09-08T13:51:00.000+08:00

Loneliness is a terrible feeling to have.

It makes you feel so empty inside.

You may be in a crowd but still you feel as though you are the only one in this earth.

You may have people around you but when you reach out, it's just thin air.

The heart is screaming, crying, pining for somebody and even anybody.

Yet not anybody can be that somebody.

He is so near yet so far away.

He wants me yet he doesn't.

I want to go yet the heart says no.

When there's a clash between the mind and heart, which one should you follow?

Confusion.....

Perth Update

2005-09-07T13:53:00.000+08:00

Looked through the tonnes of photos that I have and realised that I dont know where I should start updating. Will waste a lot of my bandwidth if I put the pics one by one, thus, let me just collate the nicest photos.

Basically the trip was fun but was rather too short. I mean, its not enough for shopping lor. Imagine, the Fremantle market is so huge a place to shop but we are only given 2 hours. Mana ada cukup dey.

The other interesting places that we went to were the Yanchep National Park, the wine gallery, Swan River, Rockingham, Macadamia Nut Factory, Strawberry Farm, the various shopping malls, Fremantle market and the most gorgeous place is definitely King's Park.

Perth is a place where there's an abundance of land with a small number of people. Thus, wherever you go, there's plenty and plenty of space and greenery. The view was awesome. The sky looked much much wider and bigger there because there's not many high-rise buildings, unlike Singapore.

Weather there? Awesome. Alhamdullilah. Temperature? A freaking 7-18 degrees. I was wearing tiga empat lapis baju u know, itupun sejuk jugak!

The setback is that in Perth, the malls and shops close at such an early time of 5pm. Imagine, their late night shopping is till 9pm! It's the normal shopping hours in Singapore. Gosh. On one day, we went to a mall at 6, and it's deserted. I can't live in that type of place.. Too quiet.

How was my virgin experience on the plane? Alhamdullilah, I got window seats on both to and fro perth. To perth, I couldn't stop smiling before the plane took off. Nervous shit. But after it took off, that's it too it. The entire journey was spent watching quite new movies on their entertainment system. The food was not that fantastic lah. However, the plane trip back to singapore was awesome. The sun was on my side of the window and it was shining ever so brightly. However, the amazing thing was during sunset. The view was spectacular. Looking at a sunset when you are above the clouds is definitely breathtaking.

Perth is definitely a place worth to come back a second time. Question is for me now, when? It's freaking expensive leh. Heh.

Oh well, here are the pictures. Sorry eh. Gambar kecik.

Super busy

2005-09-06T13:35:00.000+08:00

I know I promised to update about the Perth trip but I'm really swarmed with work. Shitoes plenty of work to be completed asap.

Will update as soon as i can ok.

Pardon me!

Post Perth Trip

2005-09-05T09:37:00.000+08:00

As I expected, coming back to office today is going to be a dready affair.

The perth trip was freaking awesome to me. It would have been a more lovely affair if it was a longer trip. Heh.

Will update more about the trip later. With pictures, less words.

Now its a lot of work to do!

2005-09-01T11:03:00.000+08:00

The day that I have been waiting for weeks has arrived! I'm freaking excited!

Confirm nanti aku jakun giler. Tak pernah naik kapalterbang. Tapi will try to maintain. Hehe. Virgin experience. Hope it will be an orgasmic one!

Will I come back with an Australian accent? Hahaha. Mcm real jer. Macamlah will pergi sana bertahun tahun. Heh.

I heard that it's freaking COLD over there. Kiasa punya pasal kan, ha. I bring along 3 sweaters. Hehe. But then my colleagues' bags are bigger than mine. I wonder what they are bringing along.

So.. Here are my details..

To Perth: SIN/Perth SQ 215 etd 1850 / eta 2350 Thursday 01.09.05
Back to SG: Perth/SIN SQ 226 etd 1600 / eta 2120 Sunday 04.09.05

Anybody wanna send me off or fetch me on Sunday? Heh. Macam mana punya artis lah aku.

Wil be out of the office at 4pm later. Don't miss me ey, Mon Mon! Here's a pic of me to lepaskan rindu.. Hehehe..

PERTH... Here I Come!!!!!!!!!!!!

Behind These Mata Coklat

2005-08-30T12:19:00.000+08:00

This song just seems apt to my situation now.

Behind These Hazel Eyes - Kelly Clarkson

Seems like just yesterday

You were a part of me

I used to stand so tall

I used to be so strong

Your arms around me tight

Everything felt so right

Unbreakable like nothing could go wrong

Now I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hanging on

Here I am

Once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it

Can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything

Opened up and let you in

You made me feel alright

For once in my life
Now all that's left of me

Is what I pretend to be

So together, but so broken up inside

Cause I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hanging on

Here I am

Once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it

Can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me, then spit me out

For hating you I blame myself

Seeing you it kills me now

No, I don't cry on the outside anymore!

Here I am

Once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it

Can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

I know you will read this thus I shall say it.. I miss you terribly.

Go Farking Away & Dont Come Back.

2005-08-29T15:33:00.000+08:00

You. Go fucking away.

Don't ever come back. I do not want to see you ever again.

Think a woman's heart is like a toy, is it?

You do this. HE will give you back the same times TEN.

Writer's Block But Ain't A Writer for Shit ...

2005-08-26T13:13:00.000+08:00

I'm seriously experiencing writer's block. Or to suit the situation here, a blogger's block. I don't freaking know what to say or to write. Is it because my vocabulary is getting limited? I don't think so. Is it because my thinking's now shallow? I don't think so. Maybe it's just due to the fact that my life's effing boring nowadays.

Oh well. Let me just create an entry on basically how my day goes by. You people looking for more interesting entries, kindly move on to another webpage. This is going to be a Boring entry with a capital B.

6.30am - Reluctantly force myself out of bed.
6.35am to 7am - Buat apa apa yang patut.
7.05am to 7.30 - Dress for work. This 3o mins or so is inclusive of selecting what to wear, selecting which tudung to match the outfit, ironing of the outfit, make-up and the actual dressing.
7.35am - Leave home.
7.40am - Wait for bus.
7.50am to 8am - In train. This will be followed by 40 mins of train journey. I might either be super lucky to get a seat at Woodlands or usually at Yio Chu Kang or have to stand for the entire journey! Lucky there is the Zen to keep me awake if I'm standing. If I'm sitting down, by the first 10 mins that I am seated, I will be off to lalaland by then. Heh.
8.40am- Reach office. Mind you, my official working hours starts at 8.30 but I think my colleagues are so used to me coming 10 mins late. Heh.
8.45am to 9am - Check out my favourite blogs in my favourites list, read emails on hotmail and Outlook and check whatever else *heh* that I can check online.
9am - Finally look into my intray or folder to see if there's work to do. Usually, there will be plenty. The next few hours will be the many many typing of reports, diselang-selikan dengan a minute of two of blogsurfing or checking of anakmelayu or chatting at msn with Mon Mon.
1pm to 2pm - Official lunch time. Previously, I used to take power naps. But now, it's more surfing and surfing until I don't know where I am. Heh. Obviously, the lunch time is the hour that passed the fastest.
2.05pm to 6 - Same activities as from 9am. Heh. I am lazy to even copy and paste.
6.30 - Leave office usually. The next few hours will either be spent with Mon Mon for dinner or at my niece's home or in my bed snoring away.
10pm onwards - Watch my favourite shows if any.
1am onwards - Sleeptime.

There you go. My day. Pretty boring isn't it? Oh man. I'm such a dull person. I need activities. I need socializing!

Now, to test whether did you guys really read my entries. Please let me know how many *heh* were mentioned in my entry. If you guys bother to lah. Heh. If you don't, I don't realy mind.

A Change Of Mind

2005-08-25T13:26:00.000+08:00

I was a bit haunted by the bad reviews of the Sony T7 that I had made arrangements to purchase thus, after work I went back to the shop and requested for a change in model. Fortunately, they allowed me to do so. Compared picture qualities between two cameras and true enough, the reviews for the T7 were justified. Thus, I had selected another camera of the same price range and Walla! This is the camera.

Sony DSC-W7/B Cyber-shot7.2 Mega Pixels

I went for another review research on this new camera and I must say, the reviews have been more good than bad. I think I made a good decision to switch models.

Exactly a week to 1st September. YeeHaaaaaaaaa!!!

New Gadget

2005-08-23T12:50:00.000+08:00

What would be a really nice item to get for myself to cheer myself up? What do I really need and want? What would be nice to have on a trip? I gotten myself a

Sony DSC-T7 5.1 Megapixel Digicam

Nice? I liked it the moment I saw it. But then, when I was searching the pictures of the camera, I read the reviews for the camera weren't good. Aw. Did I not make a good buy? Darn. Arggh. What the heck. The arrangements were already made. I am happy.

9 More days to go. YiPpie!

Old But New

2005-08-22T18:22:00.000+08:00

I'm back to using one of my old skins but with a totally different picture, woHoOO! It looks spanking new.

I am totally absorbed into the John Cena's Chain Gang atmosphere and sorts and officially am a soldier.. hehehe..

Looking at the merchandises on him at wweshop.com, I might go broke. Arrggh!

Will update more tmr.

2005-08-19T13:53:00.000+08:00

Oh dear. My mind's seriously in a blank right now on what to write.

Remember the PMS entry that day? It's really as what it means - Pre-Menstrual Syndrome cos' my red sea has burst. Heh. I'm expecting the same symptoms next month around this date.
Then again, why am I telling you guys all this? Darn.

Weekend will be a boring affair. Tomorrow is the ex-fiance's 28th birthday. I'm kinda feeling sad that I won't be celebrating the day with him like I used to for the past 2 years. Oh well, if you are reading this dear, I wish you a A VERY HAPPY 28TH BIRTHDAY.

Happy weekend everybody.

12 more days to go...... to my first virgin aeroplane ride! Yipeeeeee!

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying
- unknown -

Finally..

2005-08-16T13:33:00.000+08:00

Finally I have found myself an avenue where I can let everything go. I'm happy. I feel slightly lighter now that I've found that place. Somewhere that I can hide from everybody, yet be so open that my life's on the line.

PMS is definitely knocking at my door and I can't seem to chase it away. Yesterday was one of the days when nothing felt right at all. I was feeling grumpy and cranky for no apparent reason. There was this voice in my head asking me why am I feeling this way. I tried to put a finger on to what might have caused all these negative feelings to arise. But try as I might, I can't seem to put on my finger on anything. The irritation, the crankiness just came. And it stayed until night, to make matters worse, a bad headache that made me angrier and angrier by the minute. It was lucky that nobody rubbed me off the bad way because if so, he would have gotten the effects of the deadly PMS.

Yet today, I feel the complete opposite. Sure, getting up from bed was the usual. But once I left home, I feel happy. Once again, I don't know from where that feeling came from.

PMS -- A deadly "disease" every girl will get every month. If I'm wrong, correct me. But I think most girls have this disease in them. Strikes a week before the red sea flows and stays dormant until the next month comes.

Guys, there's not much that you can do. It will be best if you start to take note of when ur gf's menstrual cycle. If during a particular week, your gf starts bombarding you with angry sms'es, accusing you of things that you won't and have not done, do not be alarmed. It might just be her PMS talking, not her. If you choose to further continue the argument, I assure you World War III will erupt.

The best medicine will be to ignore her NICELY for a couple of days. I'm not condoning the act of you just leaving her alone totally because that will cause the WWIII to erupt too. What I mean is to just talk nicely to her. But that might have side effects too. She might say that you are talking nicely to her because you have done something wrong. Heh. And some women will find you talking to her nicely as being irritating.

All in all, women in PMS are very hard to understand. You can't really pacify her with whatever you do. It just takes a lot of trial and error for you to really know how to tackle her. Trial and error also means a lot of wars between the both of you before the matter is truly understood.

I'm speaking from first hand experience. Heh.

2005-08-15T11:25:00.000+08:00

I promise that by Monday I will be ok, and I am.

Finally caught Charlie and The Chocolate Factory during the weekend. Verdict? I loved it. Now I know why Willy Wonka's teeth looked funny. But he had awesome teeth. Baru makcik tauuu.. The bits of songs and dance in between the scenes reminded of Hindi movies. Now what I really want is the escalator. The escalator that can go sideways, upways, downwards and whatever ways. I want that escalator. Better, I want to be stuck in the escalator with Johnny Depp. He's drop dead gorgeous. And super sexy.

Thank you dear Ex-fiance for revealing yourself. I'm speechless. It's kinda pathetic that you are reading that I'm still not over you cos the picture that I want to put across to you is that I'm strong, I can do without you or whatsoever. But I'm only human afterall. I do not hide my feelings and emotions well and it's just too bad for me that you know how well *or not that I am doing. Thank you for sticking up for me. I didn't expect that you would. You take care, wherever you are, with whoever that you are with. I do not know how you are doing over there, but I am sure you are doing great without me around. I still ........ *nevermind*

Two more weeks to the company trip. Countdown to 1st of September starts...

Love cures people

-- Both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it --
Dr. Karl Menninger

2005-08-12T14:01:00.000+08:00

A word of caution. Today's entries might cause some people to terasa pedas. Whoever eat the chilli, he lah feel the spicyness *literally translated*

I kept quiet these few days not because I was guilty. I'm just overwhelmed. A lot of questions came through my head.

Are my blog entries creating trouble for people? Blog aku ni menyusahkan orang ker? Did I ask for help in my entries? From my P.O.V, I've been blogging about my own activities, feelings and what nots. Aku per yang frust menonggeng. Bukannya menyusahkan korang kan? Bukannya korang baca, korang jugak sama sama menonggeng jugak. Aku per yang melalak sorang sorang, bukannya aku paksa korang melalak jugak. Baca ajer lah. Dah tu, kalao nak kutuk pun, kutuk dalam hati sendiri.

Thus, I'm surprised that it irks people when they read my entries. In the first place, why should you be irked when you read what I wrote? Why should you be irked even if I choose to not display certain things left by other people?

Face it, you WANT to read the juicy bits. Things about me being melodramatic about my loss of the ex-fiance is not juicy enough. About me bawling over him is not juicy enough either. What's juicy then?? Hate tags or comments from other people exposing my "deepest darkest secret" or my "true" character. THAT'S FREAKING AWESOME JUICY NEWS!

I can only wish the people that have done that to me these few days all the best in whatever they do. And I hope that they are happy with the damage that they have done; whether a small or big one, the damage has already been done. I'm not affected because it's the truth about what they had so-called revealed but I'm still in shock about how things happened and ended in the end.

To those so-called friends of mine. Am I in such a remote place in the hutan belantara of Sumatra that you guys can't blast at me personally if it's so strong an urge to mengamuk at me? Why does it have to be through my blog? U guys purposefully want to let other people read rite. Gasaklah. Sapa yang dapat nama buruk? Aku jugak per. Salah aku memang ar salah aku jugak. Tapi besar nah ke dosa aku terhadap korang? Dosa aku dengan Tuhan lagi banyak tapi dier taklah sampai malukan aku gini. Dengar sini, aku malu bukan pasal rahsia aku dah bocor. Aku malu pasal ramai orang yang tak sepatutnya tau, dah tau. Muka korang dua diaorang ni semua tak tau tau. Muka aku yang terpampang pat sini. Tapi takpe. Aku tak nak waste aku punya energy and masa nak continue marah marah pat korang. Yang aku boleh buat ada doa semoga korang dua sihat walafiat sentiasa. Rahsia korang dua tetap aku simpan sebab rahsia tetap rahsia.

There's a lot of people that's reading this blog of mine that simply refuses to leave a comment. How do I know? Because, each time I change to a new blog, there will be these 3-4 emails asking for my new url but till now, not even a single word of hi from them. Gasaklah kau nak, nak baca tapi tak nak kasi tau, mak tak boleh buat apa.

Since u guys want to read juicy news kan rather than in earnest truth how my life is now, how I am getting over things and stuff, maybe I shall be superficial in here. Be like the sarongpartygirl or something. Buat cerita kononnya my life is so farking interesting and happening. Like which men I am seeing, what activities I am doing every nite and day, which friends that I throw away as and when I like. Would you guys like that? If so, let me know.. I'll gladly do that type of blog for you guys.

No use being truthful ar. Kau bercintan cintan orang menyampah. Kau asyik melalak menangis pon orang menyampah. Padahal ni blog kau sendiri per. Kalao menyampah, jangan bacalah.

Ha kau. Tak pernah pernah aku blog dalam bahasa kasar kau-aku.. Bahasa melayu lagi.

~ Outz. ~

P/s: Based on the comments that I got a couple of times so far, I know that the ex-fiance reads my blog. Thank you for sticking up for me. I do not know how u managed to find me and why do you even bother to read, but, thank you.

Getting Out Of Hand

2005-08-11T11:02:00.000+08:00

This is getting out of hand. It is seriously is.

Let me just make all parties happy. It is ALL MY FAULT. Happy now everybody?

Yeah. I deleted the bad comments. Yeah. It's the truth, yada yada yada. Happy now?

Now, anybody else wants to join in the party and slam me?

Don't say you know me when you actually don't.

Snigger, laugh and tell the whole world that I terasa. Go ahead. The damage is already done. But I am not conceding. Somehow, it's true. People will only believe the bad stuff.

To the both of you, hope you guys are happy. I won't retaliate.

2005-08-08T10:31:00.000+08:00

What a way to start a monday. Nasib besok public holiday.

Already in a holiday mood. Ain't no drive to actually type a whole bunch of reports today.

Weekend was fine. Had a chalet by ex-classmates. Other than that, hours and hours of wrestling. :-)

Next year, World Cup 2006. I can't wait!

Oh Dear.

2005-08-08T08:55:00.000+08:00

Am I shocked? Not really for I know not everybody likes everybody. I went through shit for people too but each time they dissed or disappointed me off, I don't retaliate. I just let them be.

I was quite prepared for hurtful remarks and stuff because I know that it's the freedom of speech in here. I have reasons for doing things and to me know, it's kinda enough thinking about other people, always getting myself in the pits for doing things for people and NOT getting appreciated for it. I admit I did mistakes. And a couple of times, I paid a high price for it but when I'm given a second chance, I am making sure as hell that I don't waste the chance.

Think about it yourself. I might have washed my dirty laundry here but I don't wash my friends'. I only told about my own. You have disappointed me tonnes and tonnes of times, countless and countless of advices too. When you chose to ignore them, I just let you be. I know you are going through a rough time now thus, I am not offended. I know you have to rant thus that's why harsh words were said.

From what I recall, I am the OTHERS girl. The girl that had always been outside of the circle. The girl that have always been known as someone else's friend, not as myself. How many people have treated me as a "Hi and Bye" kinda acquaintance then expect me to be there when you need me? I'm not there for people like that.

I don't think I have to explain myself. Years of experience have shown me a lot of things.

Post Emo Mood

2005-08-05T12:22:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling a little bit better. Did I bawled my hearts out yesterday? Up to an extent. I allowed myself to be immersed in the pain and sure enough, at the end of the couple of hours, I had cried till my entire body shook. I practically bawled. But thanks to the pillows around me, the parents didn't hear a single thing, except maybe the TV blaring. The sappy depressing songs help wonders too especially the songs that him and me used to enjoy together. The worst was when Art Fazil's Merindu Kepastian song came on because that song was the main song on our engagement day.

I felt that the heart was beyond repair. That it had broken a further thousand pieces. Though the pain was inside, it was so real that I felt pain on the outside too. Not to mention the painful eyes from all that crying. I don't think I have ever cried this much. Maybe that the reality had only managed to sink in yesterday. Maybes. There so much of maybes now. Nothing is definite.

As quickly as the tears started pouring out, it was as quick that they stopped. I just felt that for the day, it was enough crying. I switched from tangkap nangis songs to songs that clubs might play. Blasted them really loud and for the next hour or two, I just boogied away to the various dance numbers. I didn't bloody care whether was I dancing correctly to the beats or not. Even if I had looked like a cacing kepanasan, I didn't bother. Heh. And though my feet were aching after that, it felt good inside. The head felt lighter a tonneful and hopefully at least a kilo was shed. Hahahhaa..

I am not a strong person. I never was. And I ain't gonna lie to myself anymore. When I am happy, I will be happy but when I feel sad, I shall feel sad and not put on a fake front just because I don't want people to think badly of me. I used to wonder if my readers think that aku ni tak habis habis cinta cinta cinta. But now, I think I should blog for myself only. Want to judge that I'm a drama mama? Go ahead.

I know that it's depressing to come to my blog and only read depressing entries. I took note of all ur comments and advices. But there's no other channels for me to voice out my innermost thoughts.

Coming to four months already. And I'm still not over him. Am I giving myself unnecessary time pressure?

2005-08-04T17:58:00.000+08:00

I am going home today to have a very good cry. I don't care if my eyes swell up. I just want cry it all out. And I hope I will feel better after all those crying.

I hope Mummy has bought new tissues for the home cos I think I need a lof of them later.

Reach home, do all that I need to do first. Then turn the volume of the tv in my room a lil bit loud first. Then plug in the earphones to my ears and start to play sappy songs on my zen. Then, let the tears do the talking.

All of it. I am going to cry all of it tonight.

Warning! Super EMO Mood is Activated.

2005-08-04T15:35:00.000+08:00

WARNING! SUPER EMO MOOD IS ACTIVATED.

Entries will be sappy, moody, depressing.

Do not expect me to say I'm happy.

For the few times, let me be truthful to myself.

Loneliness

2005-08-04T14:00:00.000+08:00

I hate it when the feelings of loneliness crepts up to me when I least want it to.

Anytime during the day/night, it can just jump onto me in such an overwhelming manner that I can practically hear my heart breaks into a thousand pieces.

Keeping the eyes closed and cry doesn't help either. Cos all I see is him laughing, beckoning me over to his open arms. Thus, I open my eyes and look around the room. Shit. It's even worse. For all I see and feel are his presence.

Being lonely is suicidal. Being lonely is torturous. Being lonely and not having a loved one to call to and be manja is darn excruciating.

Oh man! I hate it.

A Mistake - When Will It Be Too Many Times A Mistake?

2005-08-01T16:58:00.000+08:00

As what Andre always said to me before -

Once a mistake.
Twice, you sit up and look.
Third time the same thing happens, it's not a mistake;
It's done on purpose.

After such a long time, I finally realized that it's true. No. I'm not going to say that I want Andre back and stuff but now I know that I was the party to be blamed half of the time.

Now, this phrase of his will be my so-called motto for myself and the next relationship that I'm in. And this implies to the relationship that I had with Zul. For, yesterday was the third time he initiated a break-up after a trivial and baseless argument. It just dawned upon me that I can only take that crap three times. No more than that.

I am not going to give him another chance to apologize or to spring up another surprise fetch me from work stint and we are back together again. It hurts lah.

I tried to make it work. But it just showed in the end that it might not work after all. Thus, I'm giving up. We are not even solid yet, thus, it's much easier to say goodbye.

No more I'm going to be a a nice demure lady that forgives and forgets when a man hurts me. He hurts me once, yes I can let it go. But if he continuously do it and it reaches three times, NO.

It doesn't matter who dumps who. Let him think that he is the one that dumped me. It doesn't prove a single shit who's better than who. For what I'm more concerned about it that, I am closing this heart of mine to him.

Goodbye you. Thrice is too many a times. My head is asking me to let go. My heart is slowly asking me to as well. I'm just abiding by one of the rules that I set for myself, which is:-

"6) Run once I see that the relationship is beyond hope. Not going to hold on for zonk years for something that is unrepairable. Once again, this is to protect my own heart."

I'm alone all over again. But it's ok. I survived Andre. I am able to survive this even better.

Women are like tea bags,

You never know how strong they really are

until you put them in hot water.

- Nancy Reagan -

Apa Nak Jadi?

2005-07-28T09:41:00.000+08:00

Something that I witnessed yesterday pissed the wits out of me.

Around 6plus in the evening yesterday, I was on the way towards Funan to meet a good friend for dinner. As usual, there was this blind/deaf uncle selling tissues; he was standing near the Taka Jewellery store at Peninsula Plaza. Then I saw these 3 mat-mat-Anak-Metropolitan-type-wearing-tapered-jeans were standing nearby him and focusing like a camera phone towards the uncle. Nothing wrong with that right...

But the next thing I know, there was this another idiot-mat who walked towards the uncle and shouted at the uncle's face. Right into the uncle's face. Something vulgar but I couldn't make it out. It was so loud that people turned around to see what happened. Then, these group of buggers, walked away, laughing at themselves and viewing what they had recorded in their phone. I turned to look at the uncle and I felt like crying. Sure enough, he might not have seen or heard what that idiot had shouted but I felt so sorry for him. I was shocked! My jaws dropped. The audacity they had. Kan kurang ajar gitu.

What did the uncle do to them in the first place? Why must you malukan orang melayu sampai gitu sekali? U might say there were recording for a show or something but I don't think so. If so, there would be cameras everywhere but nope. People were shaking their heads as I walked along, obviously they must be having negative thoughts about the malay community. Astaghfirullah.. Dahlah the perception of Islam is already so bad, why must these budak budak taik worsen the situation?

I'm so pissed. Extremely. Next time if I saw a similar thing happen right infront of me, I will not hesitate to scold the buggers off.

Apa nak jadi!!!!!!!!!!!!

Teenager-ish

2005-07-27T10:23:00.000+08:00

I know I know. I sound SO teenager-ish and teenbopper-ish in my last entry. Heh. I was feeling so sappy lah. Now when I read back my entry today, I literally laughed at myself for writing all those stuff. *jitakz kepala sendiri*

I don't like people to compare me with others but still I'M the one comparing. Tsk tsk tsk. Okay, okay. Won't do it again. If Zul is really that bad, I wouldn't be fond of him in the first place mah rite? Heh.

Anyway. Was on mc yesterday. Really sharp pain in the lower abdomen. Can't even sit up straight. Ended up lying on bed all day long. Wah lau. Kalao sakit gini dah tak boleh tahan, how to give birth? And to think I want at least 3 kids!! Hahahaha..

Mr-Paramedic Ah Boi, what you think the sharp pain is ar? Not menses leh.

For we lose not only by death,

But also by leaving and being left,

By changing and letting go and moving on.
- Judith Viorst -

Pardon My Ramblings

2005-07-25T13:13:00.000+08:00

I'm ok. The weekend was fine. Someone filled my time with his presence thus, my thoughts on 'him' were greatly reduced, almost to none at all. Not even a dream. I'm so thankful.

The Mr-Perfect-For-Now whom I shall call as 'Zul' is back. He apologized for the stint that he pulled on my birthday and we talked things out. I shan't say that things are flowery and excruciatingly exciting, but we are moving along slowly together, trying to see whether will we suit each other.

He is nice. Responsible. Accepts me for who I am. Doesn't try to change me. Basically, the complete opposite of Andre. But he is completely the total opposite. I had strong chemistry with Andre. I always have things to talk about with Andre. We can always joke around and make fun of one another. There won't be weird silences whenever we meet, basically, we will just enjoy each other's company even though arguments and fights are common.

However with Zul, almost all the time, we will have nothing to talk about. I can't seem to joke around with him without him getting defensive or the other way around. We take around 5 minutes to come up with something to talk about, then its back to silence again. I can see that we are trying our best to communicate but what is there to do when you do not have that strong a chemistry between the both of you.

Not just during meet-ups. We hardly talk on the phone. Most of the communication will be through sms. Sure thing, he wants to meet me whenever he could and I will always be enthusiastic before I meet him, but when we meet, there is like a vacuum. Both of us will be totally silent, just walking around aimlessly or either sitting down looking at the other direction, waiting for the other party to come up with something to talk about.

I'm comparing. I know. But I need to have chemistry with someone. Please tell me that this problem is solvable? Please tell me that its curable? Cos I am really fond of him. However, do not ask me why am I fond of him. My heart just skips when I see him. The butterflies in the stomach are always there when I'm walking to where he is waiting for me. I smile each time he sends me an sms and I try to be 'manja' when I'm with him but this lack of chemistry at times, makes me roll my eyes and wish that I'm more witty or with someone that can hold a conversation.

I guess that you can't really have the best of both worlds. This person may have certain qualities that you really want but at the same time, he/she will lack certain qualities that you feel are secondary but are still required to make the relationship tick.

I'm not used to keeping quiet when I'm with somebody but with Zul, I feel that it's better to keep shut in order to not say the wrong things that he might find to be sensitive. He has a habit of making a mountain out of a molehill and in turn, says harsh things to me. That will make me shut up further, longer and in the end, he will be the one saying sorry.

Aiyoh! How lah.

To love is not to look at one another, But to look together in the same direction
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery -

Innermost Thoughts

2005-07-22T19:10:00.000+08:00

These past few weeks, I have been putting on a brave front, not just in front of friends or family, but unfortunately, in front of my own self.

I thought that I have healed. I thought that I have gotten over him. But he will always appear at weird times of the day and affect whatever mood that I am in. During the day he will be totally out of my mind due to work and stuff but at nights, just before my eyes shut off for the day, he will be there, as if talking to me, as if replaying the tonnes of videos of memories for the past two years. That will keep me awake for the next few hours, and the next thing I know, I would have just slept for an hour or two.

Worse will be, he will appear in my dreams. Most of the times, I will wake up crying. A few times, I woke up calling out his name. Usually, people won't remember their dreams but the dreams that I have of him, I will remember vividly.

I'm absolutely sure that he doesn't think of me anymore. Not that I want him to. But why am I still suffering? Why am I still feeling the after effects? Why can't I be like him? Totally ignorant of sadness, memories of me.

I don't know how long it will take for me to be completely over him.

I am tired of thinking about him. I want to stop but "he" just wouldnt' allow me to.

If there is only one hope that I can have, I hope that one day, he will be completely out of my mind, as if he never existed before in my life.

This weekend will be another long torturous weekend. Cos momma's away in Malaysia, nieces' away in Malaysia too. I am sure that he will come and haunt my time. All I can do is to try and push away his presence.

Happy weekend everybody.

When you realize You want to spend the rest of your life with somebody,

You want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
- When Harry Met Sally (Movie) -

July Babies

2005-07-21T13:32:00.000+08:00

I'm seriously in need of something to write. I want to write something. But nothing interesting came up. Wanted to write about yesterday's events, but then again, nothing happened. Except for gorgeous men on Manhunt. Heh.

My life is getting dull. Maybe I should take up a new hobby. But eh. I'm not into sports. I don't do sports, I just watch them. Thought of taking up cross-stitching again but I always procrastinate till now, I'm so over that idea even before I even managed to get my butt into the shop to get cross-stitching items.

Heck lah. Maybe I should just stick to my current hobby that is TV. That is one hobby that I will never get tired of. Unless, Channel 5 decides to discontinue my wrestling every week. That will prove to be war.

I am sure happy that America's Next Top Model is coming back. Heck. I thought that there was only two seasons. But in the trailer, it seems that Yoanna is the third winner. The second is a black woman. Who sia?

Anybody can suggest a new hobby that I can take? No physical activity in sports please. I shudder at the thought of running. I run away if people throw the ball to me. I'm basically a "lembik" person lah. Hhahahaa..

Or maybe I should learn a new language? True my mandarin is ok. But maybe I should better it. Or even learn to write Mandarin. But then.. the cost factor. These language courses cost money, you know!

Arggh! U see.. I procrastinate, I'm fickle. Cannot make it lah gini!

From today onwards, I shall end my entries with a love quote. Note. They are not my own creations. I'm not taking credits for them. Thus, don't sue me for copyright matters.

It is better to have loved and lostThan never to have loved at all.

- Alfred Lord Tennyson -

Smiles All Around

2005-07-20T16:37:00.000+08:00

Alhamdullilah. Muka ada senyum. :-) Heh.

Received the letter yesterday evening. There is a pay increment. And the pro-rated bonus is ehem, interesting. Boleh lah. :-)

Where am I working at? Heh. A certain property firm in City Hall.

They have company trips every year. Last year was to Bangkok. This year, even though business is down, it's to Perth. They are expecting business to pick up this year, thus who knows where the next company trip will be to. Anywhere. I don't really mind. :-)

It's an extremely good belated birthday present. Alhamdullilah. I wanted a new life and it has been positive so far.

On a sad note, in a few hours' time is CT Nurhaliza's concert. I am not going. More to not able to go even though I want to go SO BADLY. Reason being: Not enough cash. Siti oh Siti. I've seen your first concert here back then in 2000 and I saw for myself how good you were. Thus, it kinda kills me to not go for this exclusive concert of yours. Uwahhhhhhhhhhh....

Oh ya. It's his birthday today. Not the ex-fiance. Another him. Happy 28th birthday.

I Wonder...

2005-07-19T16:14:00.000+08:00

My company's financial year has ended. And it was announced earlier in the day of several promotions and other miscellaneous announcements by our managing director.

Not bad at all. Quite a number of my colleagues are being promoted.

The much anticipated company trip this year will be to Perth in September. I sure can't wait. I have not been out overseas at all, thus, I am excited. It will be my first plane ride and I'm enthusiastic. Been waiting for a chance for so long and Alhamdullilah, the chance has came. Yeah yeah. A plane ride is nothing for most people but for people like me, it's a luxury. Also, to some people, Perth may be like Orchard Road to them but once again, for me, to go out of Singapore, much less to go Down Under is an expensive event. Thus, to be able to go on a 3/4 subsidy by the company is quite like a dream come true. Heck. I thought that the earliest I will be able to go out of Singapore will be during my honeymoon if I have money. Alhamdullilah. :-)

Financial benefits for myself, I'm glad that I will still be receiving bonus, though a pro-rated one as I have not been with the company for at least a year. Alhamdullilah.

As of now, I'm waiting for my turn to receive that "letter" stating how much bonus I will get and if there will be any increment to my monthly pay.

Rubs hand in glee...

I wonder how much I will get...

:-)

Back In Office

2005-07-18T13:38:00.000+08:00

It was really a long weekend for me thus coming back to office today was.... dready. Heh.

Birthday updates eh? Well, early part of the day was dampened by a certain somebody who had to once again break my heart. Really no sensitivity. Had to break-up with me on the morning of my birthday. Apa? Tak boleh do it the next day ker?

Was feeling fucked up for a couple of hours. Hey. I took leave for Friday cos he wanted to spend my birthday with me, but in the end, the leave was wasted.

However, I realised that I shouldn't let my birthday to be ruined by a man, thus I asked a galpal out and I certainly had fun. The sadness was taken over by excitement because I happen to bump into two gorgeous men back to back! First was a darn gorgeous and cute cousin of mine. I nearly melted looking at his eyes and smile. Pakkal jer abang sedara. Kalau tak, dah tackle. Hahaha.. Then, while me and my galpal was walking along and discussing about my cousin, I was telling her about Khairudin Saharom, another guy that I find irresistibly gorgeous. Rite then, I turned to my right, and there he was, lining up at Swensons. Arrggghh!!!!!!!!!! It must have been my day. I nearly screamed when I saw him!

It was a fun birthday after all. Outings with galpals were always fun. Ogling at cute men are more fun! Hahahhaha.

Saturday was spent with family to Orchard again. Treated my sis family and mummy to lunch. We walked around town till our legs hurt and surrendered. Slept the entire journey home from town to home in the mrt.

Sunday was spent watching vcds and lazing around in bed. Slept too much in fact, till I couldn't sleep at night. That's always the case for me on Sundays. However, there was the monthly wrestling special thus I had fun watching sweaty men in tights pounding each other till they bled. And of course, my love John Cena won again.

Oh well. A birthday that wasnt well but turned out to be an awesome one afterall. I'm happy that I'm 24. Ain't ashamed to say I am 24. Dah tua!!!

New life. New outlook. I hope.

Thank you for the well wishes. I appreciate it!

Countdown To ......

2005-07-13T14:23:00.000+08:00

Work has been dready. Madang kena tegur jer. Ada je yang tak kena. Boring!

However, this week is a short week for me.

I'm on leave tomorrow and Friday.

Countdown to what ey you might ask?

Read my side column under "About Ms.Nis". Heh.

I'm turning 24 this Friday, 15th July 2005.

Since I'm on leave, thus I can't blog.

So, insyaalah umur panjang, let me just wish myself a ...

HAPPY 24th BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So many downs throughout my life. What's with the broken engagement, almost suicidal tendencies, I am going to start a new life.

Don't know how many people will wish me, but heck. Hehe. I shall thank you all in advance first.

Must surprise me when I get back on Monday hor!

Happy Birthday to me again this Friday!!!!!

Dont Know What to Blog

2005-07-12T18:45:00.000+08:00

I'm having trouble trying to put my tagboard into one of these side columns. I think I copied the right codes but then, argh, it always appear at the bottom. I don't like it!

Thus, for the time being, till I figure out how, lets just make do with the comments.

Or, I might just switch to another template altogether.

3 more days.

What's up man!

2005-07-08T12:45:00.000+08:00

Bombs again! What's up with them day in day out man!

Don't these freaking terrorists realise that they are going totally outwards in their strive towards jihad? Allah tak suruh bunuh orang orang yang tak berdosa untuk kau mencapai tahap jihad. Kenapa sampai begini mentaliti korang semua? Islam kan sebuah agama yang mempromosikan harmoni, bukan porak peranda!

One more thing. The bombs in London were so widely telecast but everyday, night and day, there are bombs in iraq. Anybody gave an extra hoot about that? Thousands of innocent children were killed. It's sad. But just because it's London, satu dunia punya tv tunjuk.

And, just because it's bombings, straight away its due to Al-Qaeda. Can't it be due to any other extreme group? Oh well. I think Al-Qaeda admitted to it already.

Dunia ni nak kiamat agaknya.

2005-07-07T13:36:00.000+08:00

Pagi pagi dah buat orang darah naik.

Alkisah. I was in the train this morning. As usual, the train was packed at Woodlands. I stood at where I always stand, dreading the long journey in the train, standing in my rather high heels. It's strenuous on the feet, I tell you.

At Yishun, there's this freaking Ah-Beng that came in and stood next to me. He was set sot controlling his mucus from coming out. It's very distracting. At Yio Chu Kang, a girl that was sitting in front of where I was standing stood up to alight. There I was, happy that I can let my feet rest. I placed my bag on the seat before wanting to seat down BUT that mofo Ah-Beng pushed me and sat instead. I was so darn pissed! So effing rude. He shut his eyes, knowing that I was staring at him. His set sot came again, this time he wiped the overflowing mucus with his hands and accidentally brushed his hand on my bag! Again I was pissed. The most effing thing was, he got down at Toa Payoh. That's just 4 stations away! Mak cow. Baru sepuluh minit pun nak duduk! I think the people around me knew that I was pissed. Pakkal jer lah aku ni baik. Kalao tak, nasib kau lah, aku pijak kaki kau tu. Next time I see him, takkan aku kasi chan.

On another note, that effing ex-fiance called me up and started to accuse me things. Apparently, somebody called his gf at her home and told her that we are still engaged and worse, I'm pregnant now. Wat the fuck man! He, so-called being the clever man, accused me right away based on the fact that the call was private and the person named herself as me. Wah lau. I was so darn pissed that I just scolded him off with vulgarities that rarely came out of my mouth. Wah lau. Bodoh kan. I just asked him a question "Do I even know your gf? Have I looked through your hp these few months?" He even can say that I took the trouble of looking for her number through the yellowpages. Mak ai. Nama bapak dier pun aku tak tau. Macam mana aku nak pegi cari pat yellowpages? Betol nya mak arip ar dier ni.

Ni semua balasan tuhan pada dier lah. Tu lah, nak main kayu tiga, sendiri dah terperangkap, abih salahkan aku. Nabey ar. Just couldn't take it that he without investigating, just accused me of being the culprit.

Hey idiot, I got no freaking time to do all those shit things ok. You think I'm desperate to have you back or what? It might be that bitch that you are sleeping with that did this. Orang lain yang berak, muka aku yang kena campak taik.

I ain't going to entertain his calls/sms anymore. I'm pissed. Extremely. Don't let me see you outside, I might just give you 2 tight slaps across your effing face or kick you hard in the balls.

IOC

2005-07-06T13:55:00.000+08:00

The IOC event is in Raffles City Shopping Centre, at the Convention Hall. Where do I work? In Raffles City Shopping Centre. Thus, men in uniform galore! Hehe.

Morning when I come to work, they "greet" me with their segakness of the uniform, their serious faces. Wah. I nearly drooled looking at the policemen cos I have a thing for men in uniform!!!!

Then when I go off from work, there will be lots of them walking around the shopping centre and once again, I have a nice time ogling from far. But they also, pantang nampak perempuan melayu, all heads turned! Hiyak hiyak.

I rarely go out for lunch, but today, the gatalness in me to look at those mr policemen took over. Thus, I went down to buy food. I practically was sniggering at every cute malay policeman that walks my way. Hehehe. But of course I do it discreetly lah. Eye contact jer, I look down. Hahahaha. Then sekali, oh my gosh, one of those men turned out to be a guy that I used to like for four freaking years in Secondary school! Oh man! He is already gorgeous, now in that uniform, I almost freaked out but managed to maintain my composure. Hahahahaha..

I'm just a typical minah lah. Can't resist the sight of gorgeous men. Hehe. I'm single mah. Thus, I'm allowed to ogle rite? Hehe.

Left only like 3 more days to the end of the event? Hey. When else can I get so many cute men in my work area?

Fuck.

2005-07-05T13:53:00.000+08:00

He was the one that said we are not compatible and he is the one that called me back hours later to say that we are not breaking up, just give him time. Wtf? Think I'm what? Anak patung ker?

On another note, apparently, the ex-fiance called me to furnish me with news that he got caught cheating on his gf. The gf saw with her own eyes. I couldn't help but gloat inside. Tu lah. Nak jadi playa kan. Sendiri dah kena tangkap. Also, he is feeling kinda lost without the gf. Who asked your freaking dick to get turned on by some minah? You thought you can get away with cheating escapades? No doubt your gf doesn't look through your mobile like I used to do but hey, Allah maha kuasa. Nasib kau lah kambing she saw you both together.

Yada yada yada, he loves his gf a lot and stuff. Will be bringing her home to meet your superly difficult mom in a few months time. That you already met her parents. Screw you. I don't need to know these kind of information. You think I will be smiling and wishing you all the best in your relationship? I ain't no hypocrite.

Told him not to contact me anymore. That I don't see any need in us conversing with one another anymore. What the heck he wants to do with me anymore. I guess its just to gloat.

Tu. Benda kau yang tersangkut tu. Pi jaga. Jangan nak main cucuk jer kat mana mana lubang.

Pardon me lovelies for my obscene language. Just need to get if off my system.

Men Are Crap.

2005-07-04T13:01:00.000+08:00

It's always the case for me. Just when my heart starts to open up again, shit happens.

This time, the man that I thought was almost purrfect sprung up a "I don't think we are compatible. This relationship is not working out. Goodbye" Something along those lines.

Really crap. What do you expect to achieve in freaking three weeks? A whirlwind of romance? Emotional roller coaster? Passion and desire?

He wanted me to try and open up my heart. Hey, it's no mean feat. I did it in three weeks, in fact, much lesser. But, all is just gone.

I'm in utter disbelief. I'm hurt. But surprisingly, not that hurt. Just shocked.

Wah lau. Back to square one. That's it, I'm "swearing" off men for some time.

What I Really Want In A Man

2005-06-23T13:42:00.000+08:00

When the chapters for me and Andre were closed, I sat down and thought about how my future relationships were going to be. I don't want to keep repeating the same mistakes in relationships time and time again.

Thus, the things that I came to realize were:-

1) I want to be happy again. I have not been my happy self for a long long time. I want to feel the euphoria of being able to smile for no reason. I want to smile because there is something to smile about instead of just putting on a fake front.

2) My ideal man would be somebody that is the complete opposite from Andre.

3) I want to try to not put a 100% in the next relationship just in case it ends abruptly again. To protect my own battered heart. It ain't fair to the next guy I know but, he doesn't have to know about it, rite? I have given more than a 100% in my previous relationships and look at what it had done to me. Bruised and tattered. Totally wrecked. Maybe if I keep a percentage to myself, maybe the hurt won't be so bad.

4) Let the man love me more this time. Instead of me loving him more just as how it used to be previously. I think it's time that I get pampered, be loved, be cherished, be treasured. I have done more than my fair share of loving the man more than he loved me thus, now, it's my turn to bask in thrill of somebody being head over heels for me.

5) Never to trust another man more than I trust my own self. Enuff said.

6) Run once I see that the relationship is beyond hope. Not going to hold on for zonk years for something that is unrepairable. Once again, this is to protect my own heart.

7) Grab and never let go of the man that comes along that fits my requirements perfectly. Be it that I don't feel a lot for him but love can be nurtured.

8) Never let the man change me. Let me change for myself. He must accept me for both my strengths and weaknesses.

All these are measures. Dos and Dont's for the next relationship. I seriousl y hope I can abide by these rules.

As of now, Rule Number 7 is in my hands. There is that someone. So far he has been excellent. But that's always the case for new relationships or during the courting period. If he is really the angel from above that I so long wanted to have, I am thankful.

I'm tired of looking around. Tired. I just want to settle down with a man and have a family. Why is it that it's so hard to find a simple man? A man that has the same values me, that shares the same principles about relationships as me.

Are simple men extinct? Am I left with the most incorrigible men?

*Shrugs shoulders*

I am now, just basking in bliss of being loved by him. And I'm loving every minute of it.

My Weekend

2005-06-21T13:19:00.000+08:00

On Friday, had free dinner at Fish & Co sponsored by my department director as a farewell gesture for two of my colleagues that were leaving my company. The food were simply awesome. Ate until I practically looked as though I was 4 months pregnant! Serious! Took lots of pictures with the colleagues but too lazy to upload. Heh.

On Saturday night, I had my virgin experience of clubbing life. I don't want to be a bloody hypocrite in saying that we shouldn't club and stuff but still do it, thus I shall just admit that I did went to two separate clubs on Saturday night. However, no alcoholic drinks were involved though I did get myself "high" on plain coke. I believe that everybody has to try everything at least once to actually evaluate for themselves whether the experience is beneficial to them or not. Except in the case of drugs though. That's a definite no-no.

I practically just followed him and his friends to where they wanted to go. Being the virgin goer, I don't even know what to do when I reached the place and stuff. First club was this 'dangdut' club at City Plaza. Thinking about it, I still smiled to myself. Laughing that I actually stepped into a club dangdut. Hehe. Was there till closing hours of 3 hours, with aching feet from too much dancing. Not to dangdut songs lah. I wouldn't dare to dance to dangdut! Lucky that they had played Rnb and rasta songs for a couple of hours. I've always loved dancing but to dance in front of totally new people kinda freaked me out! I had to close my eyes for sometime and let myself soak in the music before I finally managed to dance freely.

After 3am, they decided to go to Devilz Bar. That place was the bomb. The music was so loud that my heart practically thumped hard with each bass beat of the music. Sadly, the place was too darn packed for me to be able to go to the dance floor and dance. All I could do was to stand in one spot and moved a tad lil bit. Looking around, i felt that I was the most simplest dressed gal in the club. In jeans and polo-T shirt somemore! The other girls there were my my, dressed to the nines. Looking at the time of 4am, I can't believe that the people there were still so energetic!

Went back at 6 plus in the morning and zonked out right away.

It's wrong I know. But I thoroughly enjoyed myself. At least I did not get myself drunk. Didn't even take a single sip. I just wanted to feel what other people feel when they go clubbing and stuff and I'm glad that I managed to experience it for the first time. Wouldn't exactly say that I'm addicted cos I don't see myself going there for a long long time. It was just to have a taste and since I gotten it, it's enough.

Now, if after this entry I receive nasty comments about minah tudung tak guna, pergi clubbing ni semua, I don't bloody care. At least I'm not a hypocrite. You wanna kutuk, go ahead. I don't owe you guys a bloody living.

My feet is still itchy wanting to dance, but now, I shall just blast it out loud in my mp3 player and dance in the comforts of my own bedroom where nobody watches and I can even dance in the buff without anybody gawking. Hehe..

First Day at New Home

2005-06-16T16:47:00.000+08:00

First day at my new home.

Had to really crack my brains to find a new address.

Finally found something that I really liked.

I requested for privacy at the previous blogs, thus, you guys were so kind enough to comply. Thank you so much.

But this time, I decided to make it public again.

Change your links to this new address okies.

New home, new attitude, new outlook of life I hope.

Damn.. I thot I had lots of things to say, but now, all is a blur.

Maybe tmr.